Curiosity is the opening in a relationship that allows client trust and confidence to build. To heighten curiosity, you must release any preconceived beliefs. Curiosity captures people’s hearts and minds. If a client witnesses your sincere curiosity about his life and his planning goals, he will be more willing and more enthusiastic in sharing his desires with you. Coupled with curiosity, it is necessary to dispel our own preconceived ideas about who people are and what their objectives should be. If we fail to listen and explore our client’s true motives and values, we may inadvertently fail to fulfill our client’s hope when he first sought our counsel. We may unconsciously lead our clients to leave a legacy of problems instead of a legacy of peace.

Mr. Hughes was not the only wealthy person to live in a bizarre world of his own making.  Phillip Knight Wrigley, an inheritor hailed from Chicago, died intestate in 1977.  Although he ran a New York Stock Exchange company (William Wrigley, Jr.) loved his family as much as the Cubs (Wrigley Field bears his family name), his fear of dying prevented him from making any plans beyond his grave.  An article in the Wall Street Journal described how despite the best intentions of his advisors, company executives and family members, no one could penetrate his fears of death.  As a result, Wrigley never talked about what might happen after he was gone, much less create an estate plan that served the family.  Because the family wealth was primarily held in restricted holdings and illiquid assets, a maelstrom ensued to pay the federal estate taxes by the IRS deadline. Eventually the Wrigley family sold the team and park to the Tribune for $20.5 million dollars and a sixty-five year family love affair with the Cubs ended. 

While the above examples may appear extreme, I wonder how safe these men felt with their advisors.  I contend that being in a place of curiosity with these suffering souls may have shifted unconscious fears and changed the course of history. 

Safe space is that environment where curiosity permeates the room and a client can be truthful, even to the point of describing what is happening for them on a physical level.  This is called the microscopic truth because it gets down to the minutest level.  For instance, a client might say:  "Being here today scares me because I did not implement your recommendations.  I notice butterflies in my stomach.  My belly feels like the market just dropped 20%."  When clients are comfortable revealing this level of truth, they not only answer questions with complete honesty, they share parts of themselves that few others ever see.  When I hear a client refer to a body sensation or notice tears in his eyes, I know that I am not addressing an external tactical issue.  I am responding to my client's heart.  This level of honest and open communication is essential in our business because it not only provides us with the information we need to do our job well, it provides us with our client's deepest essence.  This is our invitation to assist clients toward their life worth living.  Safe space allows this rich discourse to happen.

During 2002, when the market dropped precipitously, we had clients who were worried about the decrease in the value of their investment portfolios.  The conversations usually started with frantic questions about individual holdings, what was happening in a particular industry and other external forces.  We allowed those questions to emerge, then guided the conversation to more personal matters that were at the heart of the client's anxiety.  We discovered that their anxiety was the result of beliefs such as: I will not be able to educate my children; my family wealth has been compromised; my children will need to take care of me in old age.  By examining these beliefs, we were able to free the client from the kind of uncertainty that had spiraled them into anxiety about their portfolio values.    

In this article you will discover why creating safe space is important and how to actually do it.  As you read, I invite you to take note of your reactions to what is shared; what resonates with you, what angers or confuses you?  Your reactions offer an opportunity to shift your awareness.  By first "listening" to yourself and noticing your reactions, you will improve the way you respond to your clients.  Noting these changes in yourself will enable you to notice these shifts in your clients.  The journey I offer will allow you to evolve with intention and will dramatically advance your practice.  Any personal resistance you work through will help you to expand your ability to move through resistance, yours and your clients.

Why is creating safe space necessary? 

Over the course of my career, I have learned that my clients are only willing to share their histories, dreams, troubles, and concerns, when they feel safe.  The client's troubles and concerns are the drivers of our attention.  Without a deeper understanding of the driver, we sometimes wind up in a "cycle of static," such as  in the following example with one of our clients. 

Alison * is a woman in her late 40's.  She is in her second marriage, with a teenage daughter from her first marriage.  After completing her individual investment analysis, strategy and implementation, we directed our attention to her daughter's education plans.  While her personal investment planning and implementation went smoothly, Alison was riddled with fears and doubts about her daughter's portfolio.  There were periods of many technical questions and puzzle planning to make sure she was doing the "right thing," making the "right decisions".  Reflecting upon the difference in her style, I said, "Alison, we are more than happy to answer all of the questions about this strategy.  At the same time, I am curious what's behind these questions?"  She paused.  Finally, she said, "I feel obligated to make sure I have the assets to educate my daughter.  My father told me he would send me to college.  But when it came time for me to go, he didn't, even though he had the resources.  I had to obtain loans and work extra jobs to get through college.  I want to make sure my daughter doesn't have to go through that." 

Curiosity was the key to making a shift in Alison's awareness regarding her daughter's education plan.  Unchecked, her behavior concerning these matters would have continued to pop up during periods of heightened stress.  While we still get questions from Alison about her daughter's portfolio, she often stops in mid-sentence, laughs at herself when she realizes the reason behind the question. 

You may be saying to yourself, "But I don't need to hear my client's stories, concerns or troubles.  I already know how to provide well for them."  In response, let me share a recent exchange with an inheritor who saw an attorney who felt the same way.  She met with him to draft her estate documents and describes the conversation as "very one-sided."  Before soliciting any statement from her concerning her desires, fears or goals, this attorney launched into the various techniques and strategies that would minimize her estate taxes.  Although he offered all of the proper strategies to solve her estate issues, he presented the solution without giving her the chance to voice her concerns or to explain what mattered most.  He made a crucial mistake.  Most clients have no way to judge a financial professional or attorney's competence by any other manner than how safe they feel in his or her presence.  This inheritor left the attorney's office with no intention of returning.  Though much of what he proposed will be implemented, it will be done by someone who provides safe space. 

In order to understand how to create safe space for others, start by asking: What does safety feel like to me?  Imagine a continuum of safety.  On one end, the safest space is being in your mother's womb.  On the other end, imagine the insecurity of taking your first skydiving jump with an antiquated parachute.  When you contemplate your day, what do you imagine?  What are your intentions for client interaction?  Are you pressed to accomplish too many tasks in too a short time?  Is your day filled with interruptions?  After examining the external factors, reflect upon the internal ones.  What is happening inside of you?  Are you calm and at peace?  What is your level of energy?  Are you fully informed?  If we do not create safe space for ourselves, then we can't do so for our clients.  The degree to which we prepare ourselves prior to a meeting can make a significant difference.  The degree to which we cultivate a permanent sense of peace and preparedness makes a profound difference.  Granted, we cannot recreate the safe space of a "mother's womb", but I know for me to hold any meaningful conversations, especially a money conversation, I can't be on the "parachute jumping" side of the continuum.  No one can. 

And of course, what is safe space for one person may not be for another.  You must create space that resonates with you in order for you to be in the best place for client interaction.  For some professionals psyching themselves up as if they were reliving their high school sporting events is how they prepare for client meetings.  This energy may assist in punching your way through a meeting but it will not create safe space for discussing tender personal and financial matters.  The more threatening the topic, the more important creating safe space is and let's face it, in our society there is nothing more frightening, threatening or exhilarating than money: making it, inheriting it, spending it and even giving it away. 

The need for dialogue around money is vast.  Conversations about it are sparse at best and usually inundated with unconscious beliefs and fears.  Money holds the deepest place for wounds without room to breathe and heal.  Numerous studies show the topic of money as taboo.  Everyone has money wounds.  Our Society discusses other subjects, including sex, more often than money.  It is the number one source of conflict in relationships, surfacing feelings of fear, sadness and anger.  If you do not witness these emotions in your clients, the space you are creating is not safe enough for them to truly show up in any real and meaningful way.  If your clients are not free to express these emotions, the results you create will be limited, dare I say like Hughes or Wrigley.  In order to construct a meaningful business plan, estate plan or financial plan, the client must fully open up to you.

In the fall of last year, "Sadie", was re-diagnosed with cancer.  We met in her home to review her estate plan and to verify that her desires were accurately reflected in her current documents.  Sitting across the table from me, she looked straight into my eyes and said, "It is so hard this time.  Hard to see people I really love and hard to see people I don't like.  Being with you today is hard because you are ones I love.  I am so very grateful for all you have done for me; without your support, I never would have gone this far in accomplishing so much for myself and my children."  Sadie is referring to the deep care and connection we created in our relationship.  We helped her look at her fears of outliving her resources, created a cradle of support for her to expose those fears and  delicately addressed them with meaningful conversation and appropriate financial responses.  Sadie died in January of this year.  After her death, her children told us how grateful they were for our relationship with their mother.  Because of the safe space we created, Sadie's children expressed interest in continuing our relationship for another generation.

It has been my experience that left unchecked, clients will stay stuck, actually even reinforce, unhealthy patterns.  Your actions, unless you allow them safe space to speak their microscopic truths, continue to support their unconscious beliefs and the cycle of suffering, as described in The Seven Stages of Money Maturity by George Kinder, is preserved.  George writes: "The cycle of suffering arises at every turn between Pain and Innocence".  Pain is the experience a client feels and innocence is the unconscious belief a client clings to.  Kinder continues: "Pain is not our fault.  It is our teacher.  Whenever we feel difficult feelings around money, we can recognize them for what they are – a symptom of the suffering caused by the cycling of Pain and Innocence."  My clients come to me in some version of pain.  If I placate my client's pain with an unexamined tactical answer, this answer may temporarily free the client from pain but the underlying belief will remain.  This belief will surface again.

Clients will resonate with the space you create and mirror your presence.  If you are not truly present (showing up fully) and have not examined your money beliefs and/or if you are not wholly invested in your client's wellbeing, you may be stuck in an unconscious cycle of suffering.  Perhaps you are fully invested in your client's well being but have no way of communicating that.  Without all of these factors in place, your client will not feel safe to open up their feelings.  When clients do not open up their feelings they usually continue unhealthy patterns as mentioned above.  Your clients must feel safe to express themselves around issues of money so that the truth emerges, wisdom takes over and a path to a fulfilling life opens.  It is your responsibility as a trusted advisor to be in touch with your own relationship to money in order to hold the space for your client's experience to unfold.  Otherwise you may only see your client's situation in reference to your own cycle of suffering and miss your client's reality. 

Often feeling safe requires more than feeling supported.  Support is the foundation of your relationship; it is emotional, psychological, intellectual, professional, and it's an essential part of success.  But that isn't enough; you must build on that foundation of support.  Safe space leaves room for silence without awkwardness.  Safe space opens the door for shame to emerge.

Recently a client shared that even though he understood it was not the "best" financial decision (the interest rate on this loan was the most advantageous of all of his debt), the loan he had to repay before all others was his mother's estate trust.  He said he felt guilty about having to borrow from it for a bridge loan.  I felt his shame coupled with an innocent message like "you should not have needed to borrow from this trust fund".  I noticed his head drop and his voice soften with a slight quiver.  My response to him was: "I hear you feel guilty and I also feel some sadness and shame."  My statement and observations opened the space for him to agree and expand upon his desires.  He felt supported. 

Safe space is non-judgmental.  Very often a client shows up with behavior that I do not emulate.  And though the behavior may not be true to me, I will not judge it as wrong.  The behavior is not wrong; it is happening for a reason.  Over spending is a common client pain.  My conversation with a client who is overspending is free of judgment.  I open space for the client to take 100% responsibility and that allows for a behavior shift to unfold.  Offer a statement as follows: "I hear you have increased the debt on your credit cards; I notice you have some embarrassment; I understand you do not want your credit card debt to be this high.  Your desires require a change in your behavior.  Let's explore how the debt is created on your credit cards." 

Safe space feels understood.  A statement that lets a client know you understand what is being shared may simply be "I hear that you are frustrated with your parent's overspending problems and you have fear that they will need to come live with you as a result of their behavior". 

Safe space honors what shows up in the conversation with empathy and grace.  When I feel a physical response as a story is shared with me, I report it to my clients.  This statement may look like, "when you told me that your son was dealing drugs to generate extra money and support an unhealthy habit, I felt sadness and a tightening in my chest.  I know you have struggled in your relationship with him over the years."

Safe space allows vulnerability.  Allowing vulnerability to be present may be the most important essence quality you can own.  Being vulnerable means that you can say with grace and confidence, "I don't know the answer.  Or, I made a mistake.  Or, I don't know what to say."  Safe space is a cradle that rocks until it doesn't need to rock anymore.

Have you ever rocked in that cradle?  How were you listened to?  What did it feel like?  What were the magical moments?  Why was the experience so profound?  Notice that I did not state "easy".

Safe space is not easy to cultivate and sustain; but it is essential.  Our clients deserve and need this environment in which to be known, to be accepted unconditionally and to be fully present, in order to create the conditions for a conscious relationship.  Safe space is about them; it is not about you.

I am intrigued by the notion some advisors have that a questionnaire or process of discovery is the answer to dialoguing effectively with clients.  Questionnaires may open the door to conversation, but communication and active listening are the mandates for safe space.  Our work is about knowing our clients at the deepest level they are willing to go with us so that the financial analysis, strategies and wisdom we provide are directly connected to their unique situation and will support them on their journey.  Master the art of communication and your clients will explore with you. 

The grand craft (the exterior skills – drafting documents, managing an investment portfolio, preparing a tax return) of our profession should not and cannot be applied until we truly understand and connect to the heart (the interior journey – understanding personal motivations, values, beliefs, core truths) of our clients.  Creating the perfect documents for the wrong person is generally what occurs when we do not know the interior journey of our clients. 

Recently my partner and I shared a pin drop moment with a new client who was going through a difficult life transition (divorce).  Prior to my ever meeting with James [1], my partner helped him with some emergency tax preparation.  In the course of our tax work with him, we sent him our annual touchstone assessment that asked about his year, what had happened that was important to him and what was coming up for next year that was important to him.  His answers expanded upon the pain he was experiencing beyond his tax problems.  Though initially it was not his intention to retain our services beyond tax preparation, I invited him in for a meeting to hear more about the difficult period in his life.  In my first meeting with James, I created safe space by being present (listening with empathy) to his story.  After a period of deep sharing about the suffering he was experiencing as he scrambled through his divorce and our holding space for some delicate moments, James stated to my partner, "I lied to you about how much money I made last year."  I tenderly asked, "Is lying how you normally show up?"  This question allowed James to pause for reflection.  He said that he had lied as a child, but early on radically changed that behavior until his marriage began to break up.  The events of this separation caused him to open childhood wounds, resorting to his enacting old behaviors.  In addition to supporting his journey in exploring this, I offered him a statement of how we work.  "In our work and in our relationship, we need you to tell us the truth.  If you do not tell us the truth, our responses to you will not serve you because the basis for our wisdom will be false.  More importantly, if you feel you cannot tell us the truth, it means that we are not creating space that is safe for you to share.  I appreciate you sharing and feeling safe enough to do that today."

When Lewis Carroll wrote Alice in Wonderland he was asking himself "what would it be like to be in wonderland?"  With curiosity he set out to imagine it.  I invite you to be curious, to wonder what it would be like to create a safe space for your client.  To discover your inner wisdom on this issue, ask yourself what compels you when you are with a client.  If you internalize why you enjoy working with a client, and specifically if you discover what unique traits you bring to these encounters, then you will naturally gravitate to the areas you excel.  Building these relationships make the experience more enriching for both of you.  

One of the most important reasons for creating safe space is to serve your clients with lasting results.  I believe in order to be in practice, the professionals of tomorrow need the ability to create and sustain safe space for clients.  The professionals of tomorrow need to master the art of curiosity.  The professionals of tomorrow will certainly need to hold emotional intelligence as part of their essence.     

The following Ten Touchstone Statements will open the door for you to ask yourself how you might create safe space for your clients.  As you read and reflect upon these, I recommend you go beyond the words and deeply examine your beliefs and values in each statement.  Look at where you might have an opportunity for a new approach to your work.  I have provided questions at the end of each statement to stimulate your examination and discovery.

1.  Be interested in others stories.

We've all heard this statement before.  Listen actively.  Show you care by reflective listening.  Let others speak without interruption.  Do not engage your mind with your ideas for a clever response, but really listen.  So this statement is not on the bleeding edge of new ideas.  But, I intentionally included it in these ten touchstone statements because it is basic to relationship building.

We know ourselves through our relationship with others.  By really listening with my head, my heart and my body, I am able to "hear" my clients better and respond with more empathy, compassion and conscious awareness.  By being interested in them, by being in curiosity, my clients experience an abundance of space to share and feel at ease. 

Ask yourself:

• Are you ready to let go of your story telling and listen to their story?
• Can you internalize the other persons view without judgment or answers?
• Can you name the feeling and pain presented in the message being spoken?

2.  Intentionally cultivate your own money relationship so that you can hold conversations with your clients about money.

We can not begin to counsel and advise our clients about their finances, their money decisions, and their money relationship until we understand and honor our own.  The old adage walking your talk is a perfect application for money integrity.  It is also essential to tell your client the truth about what you are charging for your services, products and the wisdom you provide.

We charge an annual retainer and each year we re-engage our clients for the upcoming year.  At the beginning of the forth quarter, we send a Touchstone Assessment to our clients.  In that assessment we inquire as to the significant changes both personally and financially they have experienced in the current year, their intentions for the following year and how we can support them along that journey.  This process allows the money conversation to emerge in a safe container with intention and purpose.  We discuss our fees and how these fees relate to the progress they have made in their life.  Our fees are not tied to a measurement (i.e. assets, income or sales) so that posture opens the portal for conversation beyond measurement.  And, because we cultivate the desire for them to have a big life filled with purpose and passion, we evolve the conversation to the attainment of specific objectives and how they are experiencing their life of purpose.  We allow our clients to express their feelings and thoughts about our compensation and ask heartfelt questions.  In the scope of this dialogue, we take the opportunity to articulate the value of our work and support that value with the affirmation from our clients.  To ensure we are in sync with our partnership, we state the value we believe we are bringing to their life and request that our clients affirm or clarify our understanding.  There is no confusion concerning how much we are paid for the services we provide.  We want our clients to know how much of their resources are allocated to our firm so we are part of the conscious decisions they make about their cash outlays.

If we are not of great value to our clients, we do not want to engage in a relationship with them.  Our clarity has opened up vast space for us to attract the kind of clients who value the support and progress we bring to their lives.  And, our clarity gives our clients the opportunity to reflect and discern what is of most value to them, to challenge us to new heights and hold them accountable to their dreams.  After we helped a family purchase a second home on the water in Maine, a lifelong dream to continue a legacy of family traditions, our clients shared with us, "now we know that dreams do come true." 

Other professional advisors tell me they intentionally avoid conversations on the subject of compensation.  Their methodology of compensation allows for "secrecy" to be a part of the engagement.  It does not matter how you are compensated, whether you charge commissions, a fee for assets under management, by the hour, a retainer or any combination thereof.  What matters is that you and your clients talk openly and freely about how much you receive for the work you provide.  Creating these experiences and holding space for a dialogue about money is a model for a kind of easefulness regarding money conversations that your client will appreciate.  If you cannot speak effortlessly about how much money you earn from them, how will they be able to talk to you regarding other money matters?  We as advisors need to loosen the grip of confusion, frustration and mystery regarding money by conversing openly about it.

As you facilitate your client's money maturity, I encourage you to be on your own journey toward money wisdom.

Ask yourself:

• Where am I on my money relationship journey?
• Am I open to expanding my compensation conversation with my clients beyond the regulatory disclosure requirements?  If not, why?
• How do I model money conversations for my clients?

3.  Being vulnerable is the most powerful expression of confidence and trust.

In Carl Hammerschlag's speech to the financial planning community at the Financial Planning Association's 2003 Annual Master's Retreat, he stated "that being vulnerable means that I am open to touch your heart and for you to touch my heart".  We often think that vulnerability is a weakness to avoid because our clients need us to be strong and wise and the holder of invincible knowledge in times of confusion and doubt and pain.  But I hold fast to Dr. Hammerschlag's words; being vulnerable means that I do not cling to the false notion that I have all of the answers to ameliorate my client's worries.  I don't.  And that is not my purpose.  What being vulnerable means is that I, as a professional, will provide my clients with a tender and safe space in which to share my unique wisdom.  This is the essence of the safe space you want to create for your clients.  There is nothing weak about opening your heart.  Quite the opposite, opening your heart is a powerful gift and it facilitates the flow of trust from one person to another.

Ask yourself:

• What does being vulnerable mean to me?
• Am I confident enough to open my heart with a client?
• Do I always have answers to my clients concerns? Do I need to?

4.  Looking good bleeds the energy out of being real.

The origin of this statement comes from something I heard a financial advisor discuss about his professional relationships and his practice.  He proudly shared how all of the people who worked for him held him in revere.  He described how he commanded his ship to perform and that everyone acted with swiftness.  He said that the physical distance he kept between himself and his staff, as well as clients, was noteworthy.  Every so often he made this comment, "I Look Good".  He told us of the beautiful environment in which he held his meetings, with its fine appointed antiques, woodwork and priceless artifacts. 

As he continued to pontificate, I noticed that my body became tight.  My tightness offered me an opportunity to wonder about my resistance to his words.  His description made me believe that he was more interested in looking good than being authentic, and that his intention to look good actually bled the energy out of being real.  His intention for looking good seemed a perfect model for cultivating distance and fear. 

Safe space is authentic.  Client relationships require authenticity.  Needing to look good creates a barrier to intimacy, sharing and being real.

Ask yourself:

• Am I more interested in looking good or being real?
• Is the environment in my office inviting or threatening?
• Do I create an impressive space to cater to what I believe clients want to see or who I truly am?

5.  Cultivate the art of conversation.

Conversation includes listening, making statements and asking questions.  These conversation activities are the heart of our intention to create safe space.  While listening, making statements and asking questions seem easy enough, poor conversations create failed relationships.

Listening is described in the first touchstone statement.  And, I invite you to go beyond listening to respond, listening for information or listening for empathy.  I invite you to listen for co-creativity, the place where you and your client are both offering ideas, thoughts, experiences and wisdom to the process and developing dual answers and direction to take those answers.  Co-creativity is new territory. 

Make clear statements.  Make statements rather than asking poor questions.  We often ask poor questions when our truth is a simple statement.  When you begin to ask a question, wonder if there is a statement behind the question.  If you recall my example earlier with Alison who kept asking questions about her daughters proposed portfolio, you will understand this invitation.  The truth of her situation was that she was scared.  Once this truth was expressed, we were clearly communicating.

Speaking of questions, cultivate the art of asking good questions.  Cultivate versatility in asking questions when they need to be asked.  Good questions elicit more information from our clients.  Good questions do not lead a client anywhere like a courtroom drama.  Good questions broaden the dialogue.  A simple invitation like: "would you please say more about that", allows your client to expand without your filter.

Conversation done well is an art.  It is how we create safe space, build and maintain relationships with our clients, our staff and other professionals.  Conversation is critical to discerning the needs of our clients.  It transforms information into meaningful action. 

Ask yourself:

• Where can I grow in my mastery of listening?
• Where in my life am I co-creating?
• How can I open more space for my clients to respond?

6.  Cultivate a community – become a part of something bigger than yourself.

Clumps are the communities of today and tomorrow.  The word, "Clump" was coined by Dr. Jennifer James, a cultural anthropologist, who addressed the Financial Planning Association Masters retreat in 2002.  In her presentation, she suggested that our current culture has moved and is moving to creating communities for inspiration, encouragement, personal growth and fulfillment.  She defined these intimate communities as clumps, because they clump together for a common good. 

Clumps (or the essence of clumps) are not a new idea.  In fact, we are all born into a clump, our family of origin, and we have been a part of many clumps (consciously or unconsciously) throughout our lives.  As human beings our natural instinct is to be in relationship with others: this is how we discover ourselves.  Being a part of a clump helps us to discover ourselves as well as allows us to do exceptional work with our clients. 

When I last counted, between my personal clumps, such as my immediate family, a book group and a tennis team, and my professional clumps, such as a study group, collaboration with pioneering professionals, national professional organizations, I discovered that I am a part of more than fifteen clumps.

Simply stated, honoring ourselves as humans and the human need to be connected, we have an opportunity to create connections and communities that support our work at its highest level.  This is my invitation to you.

Ask yourself:

• What are the clumps in my life?
• How do these clumps encourage me to discover myself?
• How do these clumps foster connections and my highest calling?

7.  Only when you pay for wisdom can you charge for it.

Dick Wagner, a leading personal financial theorist, has often stated: "We are in the wisdom business".  But in order to charge for wisdom you must understand and experience what it is like to pay for it.  Only when you can joyfully pay for the wisdom from another, will you internalize the true value of that exchange.  Only when you understand the true value of wisdom, will you be able to charge for it.  I encourage you to wonder about the wisdom you provide and internalize the true value that your client experiences.

In the earlier years of our practice, my partner and I charged by the hour.  The measurement of our wisdom was in time and had little to do with the value we brought to our clients.  When we charged by the hour, I recall a particular twenty minute conversation where my partner saved a client upwards of a million dollars in taxes by his wisdom and depth of experience.  We were paid a little more than $50 for that knowledge.  In reality, my partner had years of experience and expertise in a complicated area that allowed him to effortlessly support this client in a way few advisors could have.  The time it took my partner to acquire that knowledge was vast compared to the few minutes it took to dispense it.  Conversely, during the same period of hourly billing we had an experience of charging many hours for services that were a learning opportunity and that offered less value than we were charging to provide. 

During our transition to retainer billing, we discussed at length "value compensation" versus accounting for our time.  What we discovered was that some clients would not notify us about certain events in their life because of the perceived cost, forgetting about the benefits.  Frequently we encountered problems due to the lack of contact and we spent enormous amounts of time undoing mistakes.  We realized that clients were paying us for fixing errors which was not the business we wanted to generate.  It was essential to us to be available to them without them having to worry about a specific time commitment.  Most importantly, we realized that our working relation would be enhanced if we charged our clients a fee that better reflected our intention of being aligned with them as opposed to one that perceptually looked as if it cost them to have access to us.  

Along with providing space for money conversations, you open the portal to developing exquisite dialogue when you are paid for what is of most value.  I am not alone when I state that some services of today will be the commodities of tomorrow.  Generations following us are savvy in technology and human interactions like none other.  Our children have skills and tools that older generations have no interest or ability in cultivating.  The one area I hold deep confidence in is human relationships.  Human relationships are timeless and rest in wisdom.  No matter how sophisticated technology gets, the need for human bonding will exist.

Ask yourself:

• What is your unique wisdom?
• What wisdom do you pay for? 
• What do you experience when you pay for wisdom?
• How can you deeply connect to the value you bring to your clients in order to transcend your compensation model to wisdom compensation?

8.  "Do one thing everyday that scares you".

This quote from Eleanor Roosevelt is one of my favorites.  Earlier I mentioned the primary emotion we deal with in our money world as advisors is fear.  The best way to get in touch with that feeling and to be in a place your client can express fear is to feel it yourself.  What does fear feel like to you? 

My partner and I were in a meeting with a couple that illustrates how to avoid a train wreck situation with understanding by accepting the presence of fear.  Our clients were engaged in a heated discussion about finances and the escalating costs of renovating their home.  Each of them were stuck in their unconscious money patterns, blaming each the other, firing ugly statements and generally whipping the conversation into a frenzy.  My partner began to "solve the problem".  His ideas were spot on; yet they took the conversation away from the point of conflict without addressing the fear and anger that was so obviously present.  This felt like the moment for authenticity.  I said, "I appreciate your ideas to move their situation forward and I hope we can do that at some point.  Right now though, I'm curious about what came up for you as we witnessed Daveand Jan?"  He said, "The conversation was painful; I felt a knot in my stomach and I wanted to make the discomfort go away."  From his truth telling (accessing his fear and describing it in a clear and simple and non-threatening manner), our clients were able to see a shift in fear.  My partner's shift and sharing allowed them to shift their feelings.  When we returned to the prior conversation, our conversation was calm and we were able to address what physical sensations were present in their space.  The clients were amazed at my partner's shift, as well as their own. 

Jan offered her fears in the moment and a description of the familiar patterns that surface for them as a couple.  Dave spoke about his fears and anger without the same description but with a sense of clarity about how they get entangled.  The new learnings about our fears allowed better answers and ideas to emerge.

Find and experience your fear.  Embrace the learning from it as if you were squeezing a lemon to the last drop.  Unless we manage our fears, we will not be able to hold safe space for our client's fears.  Our answers will go directly to solving a problem that may or may not be real.

Ask yourself:

• What does fear feel like to me?
• Can I listen with curiosity when I feel someone else is experiencing fear?
• How do I manage and release my fear?

9.  Lead with what you Love and Let the client Lead."

Kathlyn Hendricks, Ph.D., an expert on conscious relationships, shared the above quote.  It speaks to honoring your genius and trusting that the client will take you where you need to go.  Leading with what you love means to discover your Unique Genius, as in the Hendricks model, or your Unique Ability as in the Strategic Coach model.  Both invite you to get intimate with your energy, to notice where you have the most vitality, flow and zest for life.  Ask yourself: What do I do that feels like play?  What produces the highest ratio of output per time spent?  What am I doing when time flies by?  These questions will help you discover your unique genius. 

Spending most of your time in your unique genius brings satisfaction and fulfillment to your life.  Playing in your unique genius offers clients the opportunity to know what is possible in their life.  While owning your genius, recognize that showing up and creating safe space is all that clients need from you.  Clients will take the conversation and the experience where it needs to go; the more we trust this synergy within the client/professional relationship, the more readily we will flow into cultivating safe space.

Ask yourself:

• What is my unique genius?
• Can I trust that my clients will lead us where we need to go?
• Is my energy supporting the opportunity to be in harmony with my clients?

10.  Become a Master of Yourself.

All of the statements I express relate to the journey of self discovery.  Every action in my life starts within me.  Becoming master of myself is the intention of self awareness, which allows my presence to create space for others to travel the self discovery path as well.   

Listening to my inner core allows me to authentically respond to the opportunities that present themselves and to show up for those experiences.  Being on a journey with deep intention allows me to seek out those experiences with curiosity rather than fear.

Some of the experiences and practices that have fostered my growth are offered below for your perusal.  What is essential in your journey is to recognize what is true for you and act upon that truth rather than witnessing your opportunities through the senses of others.  What is true for me or your highly respected colleagues may or may not be true for you.  Neither is right or wrong; they simply are.

As I continue my journey of becoming a master of myself, I have found the following experiences to be invaluable.  In the past ten years I have experienced workshops, programs, trainings, retreats and gatherings with the following organizations and communities: The Hendricks Institute, the Nazrudin Project, Strategic Coach, Professional Study Groups, a Goal Cultivator Community, George Kinder's Seven Stages of Money Maturity, Stuart Heller, Integral Institute, and Onsite Workshops.  Additionally, I have developed several practices that deepen my self awareness: meditation, tennis, Pilates, Yoga, healthy eating, walking, hiking and travel.

Ask yourself:

• How do I know myself?
• What do I enjoy experiencing that fosters self improvement?
• What practices and teachings do I employ on my journey of self discovery?

By now you have observed the written prose and invitations for further inquiry are your interior awakenings that allow you to build the strongest foundation from which you can share your technical expertise and knowledge.  Using curiosity, Lewis Carroll created safe space and Alice was able to view the world differently.  Honoring the suffering of the late Howard Hughes and Philip Wrigley, as you create safe space, you too will guide your clients to viewing their world differently, as well as, viewing your role in their lives in a different way.  Cultivating safe space is the new frontier for our advisory relationships.  Here is your call to become a Pioneer; pave the path for this generation and the next.

[1]  All names have been changed to protect the confidentiality of our clients.